


strawberry pocky

by mousecat



Series: pocky [1]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Break Up, F/F, Multi, Poor Self Care, Post-Break Up, Rule 63, Self-Esteem Issues, failed poly, poor poly dynamics
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-27
Updated: 2019-08-27
Packaged: 2020-09-27 21:16:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,489
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20414434
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mousecat/pseuds/mousecat
Summary: Normally Asahi could withstand the hunger until it faded and she could sleep again. Not tonight.





	strawberry pocky

A gnawing, persistent ache had woken Asahi, but she’d known it would. She’d forgotten to eat lunch again, so she had eaten a big meal at almost 5. She did this often enough to know that she wouldn't feel like eating again before bed, that the meal would not be enough to hold off hunger all through the night, and that she would wake up at some hellish hour hungry. The harder thing to predict was whether exhaustion or hunger would be the more urgent need. Normally she could withstand the hunger until it faded and she could sleep again.

Not tonight. Tonight it _hurt_. She only needed to take the edge off, so she unplugged her phone (02:14 glowed large and taunting) and stumbled out of bed to the kitchen. The curtains were mostly closed, and the room was dark enough that she didn’t have to worry about not bothering to cover up before venturing out of her room. She opened the fridge first out of habit, mind still too bleary to do anything but move on autopilot, but there was nothing there she could just grab and eat. It all had to be put together or heated up, and that was too much effort for her in this state.

Asahi didn’t keep many snacks, because Asahi didn’t keep much of anything in the kitchen, but sometimes she had some forgotten treat in the cupboard that needed no preparation, that she could eat before passing out again. It was important not to think too hard. Thinking too hard would wake her up too much to sleep again for hours.

She groped almost blindly through the cupboard, so little moonlight peeking through the curtains that the color had bled out of everything, leaving vague shapes that she couldn’t discern until she touched them and remembered what she’d shoved in here out of sight. _Bag of rice, bottle of oil, spam, pocky -_

She sat with a thump, practically falling to the floor without consciously deciding on the pocky. It would ease her hunger and get her through to morning, to a decent breakfast. She clumsily tried to tear open the top with her sleepy fingers for a moment, before giving up and ripping a corner open with her teeth.

She mindlessly unlocked the phone she’d forgotten she was holding, as soon as she’d shoved multiple sticks in her mouth, needing them in her stomach _now_. She wanted to message Koushi, so Koushi would scold her in the morning about not eating properly, about how she’d have to come up there and feed her up. Asahi loved the teasing, loved feeling cared for. Loved knowing she was loved.

Asahi woke up. _Strawberry_, her mind registered the flavor as she sat looking at the open app on her screen.

She felt another pang in her stomach that probably wasn’t hunger alone. They didn’t talk anymore, she and Suga. Even when they were still talking, Suga hadn’t teased her like that in maybe a year. Asahi ate another pocky and remembered that it’d been a long time since Suga had flirted with her, said sweet things, or done anything else to indicate she felt much for Asahi except reluctant obligation. 

Asahi tapped the magnifying glass and searched for a phrase she knew would pull up a conversation from two years ago.

_sweetest suga_: i’m going to look for work in miyagi  
_sweetest suga_: fuck boys and fuck this city

Asahi had known Suga hadn’t meant it, that she’d been pissed off with Daichi for some stupid, unspecified reason and was using Asahi to feel better about herself, using Asahi’s love and affection and infinite desperation. It hadn’t been malicious; if anything it was Asahi’s fault, for always offering herself up to be used when Suga felt unloved and needed affection.

Sitting in her underwear on the tile floor, Asahi could clearly remember getting that message and immediately knowing it wasn't a genuine wish to be with Asahi that had prompted it, but nevertheless not being able to stop the warm, bright flare of hope that maybe Suga would move to Miyagi. She couldn’t stop herself from imagining finally having a normal friendship where they went to the cinema, met for lunch on workdays, saw each other every weekend. Maybe most wonderful of all, Asahi imagined the relief of no longer being a kind of consolation prize for Suga, for her _real_ relationship, every time Daichi did something thoughtless and self-interested. 

_Don’t dwell_, Asahi thought, even as she reread the old messages from Suga. Asahi had wanted Suga to come live here. She hadn’t for a second believed it would happen but she had so much wanted Suga to mean it, to want to be near Asahi.

Asahi would’ve been happy to share Suga, but she hadn’t actually gotten a say in it. She let herself fall in love with Koushi because she trusted her. Koushi’s actions in the beginning had made Asahi think she was something special to her, and she realized far too late that it was simply Suga’s personality to flirt and encourage and build people up. So when Suga and Daichi hit a rough patch, it had been Asahi that was benched. Not kicked off the team though, and the self esteem that had grown from being kissed and touched and _loved_ by Suga slowly wilted as she listened to Suga list Daichi’s seemingly endless flaws, day after day, as the two of them struggled to make things work. If Daichi was such an awful boyfriend, what did it say about Asahi, that Suga would rather be with him than her?

It was an old thought, one that she’d turned over and over again for years while Suga had fed her little crumbs of _I'm not saying we'll never be_ and _maybe one day_. The edges of it were no longer as sharp as they had been in the beginning, but it still managed to bruise her heart.

Asahi munched on the last of her pocky, too tired to bother trying to stop the flow of hot tears that started when she thought about the naive little hopes she'd clung to for years, that she'd found someone who accepted her as she was, that she never had to hide from, that would see her flaws and still love her. 

As far as she knew, they were still together. Daichi had - in Suga’s words - totally fucked up Suga’s life, but he wasn’t the one crying alone in the kitchen at two in the morning. He was never Suga’s backup plan in case she and Asahi didn’t work out. He hadn't had to fold himself smaller and smaller to fit into the ever shrinking space Suga gave him in her heart. He wasn’t unceremoniously barred from Suga’s life for not being able to navigate the confusion and resentment of being dumped because of someone else's behavior. Daichi had had the freedom to take Suga for granted, put himself first no matter how much it hurt her, and still keep her love. 

Asahi crumpled the empty cardboard box and threw it in the general direction of the bin. People felt how they felt, Asahi reminded herself again, pushing herself up from the kitchen floor. It was the mantra she’d had since Suga decided to reverse their relationship, and that had never comforted her. It was true though. It's why she couldn't help loving Suga, when it was Suga taking her for granted just as Daichi did to her. Suga loved Daichi, and no one could fault her for that. There was no logic or reason to love, you couldn't rationalize love into who deserved what. Somehow that didn’t make it any less agonizing that Suga could work so hard for so long to keep Daichi when that relationship had needed it, but discard Asahi so quickly when it became clear that _this_ relationship needed some extra effort to maintain, because the years Asahi spent trying to untangle her feelings and fears, silently and unobtrusively for the sake of Suga’s comfort, had finally broken her. Feelings Suga had nurtured when her self esteem needed a boost, because Daichi was careless with her love. Fears Asahi had that she was unlovable, unwanted, and without value, because on the rare occasion she got to see Suga, Suga didn’t try to hide her disappointment that she wasn’t with Daichi instead.

Back in bed, Asahi wiped her face on her pillow then flipped it to rest her head on the dry side. Her head was pounding and these last few hours of sleep wouldn't be that restful, but at least the ache in her stomach had dulled. She always managed to get through the next day without feeling too rough. She would get herself a treat on the way to work, as she always did after hungry nights like this one. She hoped to sleep better tomorrow.


End file.
